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Here it is, redone in HTML for your viewing pleasure. The issue that started it all. 

Po-Zor Newsletter — Issue 1 — April 2004 

  

Greetings Loyal Readers! Each of you is so brilliant and so snazzy, I hope each of you realize this is not the First Official Newsletter. Newsletters have existed for hundreds of years. It all began when evil emperors wanted to tell their subjects how great they were. This newsletter follows that exact principle. Don’t fret, I won’t tell you how great I am. You already know.   

Just for being a subscriber to this newsletter, you are privy to many fine things:   

1. You get to govern the wealthiest lands when I control the world.   

2. All subscribers will instantly rule over all non-subscribers. They will become your servants, ready to obey your every whim.   

Only those who have seen the light of this Newsletter will be saved.   

An example?   

This will be a typical day of a subscriber:   

Subscriber: Ah…that was a good night’s sleep…Uh, Ding-Dong? (You get to name your subjects what ever you like.) Why are my slippers not brushed?   

At this point your subject will point out that you’ve never wanted your slippers brushed before, and wonder why you just changed your mind about it.   

Yell at him and tell him to go dress up like Sponge Bob Square Pants and come back when your slippers are brushed.   

You can now hop in the shower. When you finish, you’ll find your slippers neatly brushed. Unless you own a very snazzy pair of slippers, brushing them wont make them look any different. You’ll have to trust that Ding-Dong brushed them. Don’t fuss; you can trust your subjects.   

At breakfast, (here’s the fun part) you get to order your subjects to do things.   

He can sing the Barney theme song! He can paint himself red! He’ll do whatever pops into your head!   

It will amaze you how if you tell him to play dead, he’ll actually drop on the floor and look dead. If he’s a really good servant, or if you threaten him, his tongue will hang out.   

You can tell him to roll over, but he won’t be able to because he’s wearing square pants. You can throw your head back like you’re trying to swallow a BMW and laugh as he flops around like a purple fish. He’ll actually be purple too, because you never told him he could breathe. It gets really fun when you add more subjects to the picture, as you may already have imagined.   

I don’t suggest you practice ordering your future subjects around by barking at your younger siblings, friends, or coworkers.   

Due to the super-villainy nature of my audience, I have to mention the following for legal reasons: When you’re out in public, try to resist calling people “Dunce Puddle,” or “Bubble Brain,” or whatever else you might think of. It will just get them upset, and people who are upset usually aren’t very funny. If things aren’t funny, you aren’t going to be very happy and that isn’t good. Life is way too short to worry about stuff. You should try to find joy in everything you do, be it school or work or anything. This newsletter will try to help you find that joy. That is the only real goal hereafter.   

Sector 1 - People 

  Today we will talk about boring people who try to be funny. You’ll want to avoid large groups of these people if you can. 

  MATH GEEKS 

  Maybe you know a math geek, or maybe you know someone who isn’t really a geek but loves math anyway. These people are actually math geeks in disguise. 

  Unfortunately, I know a math geek in the truest sense of the word. He wears glasses and has braces. He always has a stuffy nose, and he has acne. Yes, the whole shebang. Normally it’s okay to know a math geek. They can be very helpful while doing math homework for instance. 

You don’t want a math geek who attempts to be funny. They can really cut into your happiness at school. Here’s an example of a conversation I had with a math geek who tried to be funny:   

Math Geek: Want to hear something?   

Me: Umm…   

Math Geek: Did you know that if you subtract the log at the base of six 18x from three log at the base of six 3, and if the answer is one, then x equals 9! He, he, now don’t assume by my excitement that I implied some sort of factorial notation*!   

If you don’t know what factorial notation is, you wouldn’t get the joke. Unfortunately, I had some idea of what he was talking about, but I failed to see his humor in it.   

I was standing there squeezing my eyebrows together while he’s laughing his head off and I’m stuck looking at his acne and braces from another new angle.   

The best thing to do about Math Geeks that try to be funny is to avoid them. The downside of knowing a Math Geek greatly outweighs the benefits. It would be better to do your math homework by yourself anyway, and who would ask you out if you always hung around with a math geek?   

I can think of many, many ways you can make fun of people that hang around with math geeks, but I won’t get into that today. (You can read about stuff like that in my Supervillain Monthly Magazine issues of the Po-Zor Newsletter.) Then again, I probably will make fun of people, but not until after lunch.   

*Factorial Notation has to do with using the “!” as a symbol to mean multiplying something a lot of times. For example, 4! means 4×3x2×1. So, 9! means 9×8x7×6x5×4x3×2x1.   

CHESS GEEKS   

It seems that I’m mostly talking about geeks today, but that’s okay. Geeks make up a majority at Newmarket High, so I’m just going to apply it to all school systems across the country. If you are a geek, don’t take it personally. I have nothing against your people.   

Does your school have a chess club? If it does, you almost always have chess geeks. Have you ever read the chess thing in the Sunday paper? It’s something I just glance at after I read my horoscope and peek at the answers to the crossword.   

I can never understand the chess column because it’s written in some weird language I can’t comprehend. It’s all: Kp3, Ra2, Qb4! I don’t get it, but that’s how chess geeks talk. I sometimes wonder if when they whisper, “Qp5” as I walk by, they are plotting to kill me with a Rook.   

Don’t get me wrong; I know how to play chess. But I’m not a geek about it and I don’t know any of their cultic language. I suppose that when they play the game they imagine themselves as the pieces, fighting on a medieval battlefield. I wonder what it’s like to imagine yourself as the castle. How do castles move anyway? Do they sprout legs and walk across the board? What is this game teaching our children anyway? Why isn’t there a parents group protesting it? Why aren’t atheists trying to rename the “bishop” piece? Let’s take a critical look at how to play the game:   

How to Play Chess   

The goal of chess is to kill the opponent’s king. You can murder him from a frontal assault, angled attack, or you can stab him in the back. You start the game by sending your “pawns” off on kamikaze missions they are doomed to fail. Your “better” pieces consist of the “knight”, the “bishop”, the “castle”, the Queen, and the King. A horse head that can “fly” over the other pieces usually represents the “knight”.   

You must note that there are “white” and “black” pieces. These “white” pieces get to go before the “black” ones. Chess players also have this cultic language that only they know how to read, but yet they have bits of their doctrine printed in almost every newspaper in the country! Who would let their children play a game where pieces change gender when they reach the end of the board, presumably the chess cult’s “paradise”? Yes, when a “pawn” reaches the end of the board it “becomes” a Queen! Why would any parent expose their children to this cultic, racist, violent, bigoted game of fantasy?   

Now that we know the trouble with chess geeks, you should probably avoid them. But again, I unfortunately know a chess geek who tries to be funny. He goes:   

“And he said to move the King’s Pawn two, but then I said, ‘Why move the King’s Pawn when you can check with Qb4!”   

I smile slightly, to give the impression that I know exactly what he means. When he said “Qb4!” I giggled inside and wondered if he was implying factorial notation. That’s why knowing Math and Chess geeks at the same time is bad for you.   

SCIENCE GEEKS   

Science Geeks are probably the least harmful of all geeks. Sometimes they might even seem normal. If you know a Science Geek, you are lucky. There are hours upon hours of possible humor if you know how to talk to them right. Science geeks may be in either the Biology, Chemistry, or Physics fields. The more attributes they have, the more humor you can squeeze out of them.   

Here are some fun things to say to science geeks:   

– On the other side of the world, does gravity work the other way?   

– What if there’s a planet somewhere that obeys a completely different set of physics laws?   

– How deep is a black hole?   

– Why don’t we try shaking it?   

– I moved that plant into the sun because it seemed to be wilting, but don’t worry. I moved all the other plants around too so our data would stay the same.   

–Ants are close enough to being spiders to classify them as arachnids, right?   

–What’s one more electron in an atom going to do to anything?   

– I put a little of that blue chemical in to make it look better.   

Now you can laugh as hard as you want (on the inside), as the science geek tries to explain to you why something works the way it does. Act confused and ask for more explanation. By the third or fourth round, your geek’s forehead will begin to turn red and his face will scrunch up. The fun can last for hours.   

It’s especially good if one is your project partner. Then they will feel a need to explain things to you so they won’t fail. You can relax and know that they won’t ask you for your help, and you’ll still get half credit.   

Sector 2- aaaaaaaaaa…………lmq 

  aaaaaaaaaa………lmq means nothing or whatever I want. It’s the same with this section: It means both nothing and whatever I want. That’s both at the same time. It’s not an either/or thing. Yes, it’s hard to comprehend, but that’s life. 

  A few days ago it was my twin brothers’ 5th birthday. When I tell this to some people, their eyes get wide as they exclaim: “They were both born on the same day!” These are the people who don’t subscribe to this Newsletter and will become your servants one day. See what you have to look forward to? 

  Anyway, thinking of birthdays reminds me of gift giving, which is a great thing if you’re on the receiving end. My idea this issue is to create a holiday where all you do is receive gifts. I know, I know, your first thought was: “If everyone receives gifts and doesn’t give any, then we’d need bigger closets.” Don’t worry—I worked past that problem. You are only allowed to receive gifts small enough to fit in your pocket. That way you won’t have to spend any extra money on storage bins. Yes, one could cheat the system by wearing clothes that have big pockets, but that’s beyond the scope of this sector. 

  I’ve also been thinking about the adage, “Fight fire with fire,” and I don’t get it. I hope that they get rid of it before some firefighter gets creative and tests it on my house. Yes, there are times when creativity is bad, but then there are just as many times when creativity is really good. Take this past Easter for example. Someone challenged me to talk with metaphors all day. It was tough, but I managed it. It took some creativity. 

  Greg (my brother): You didn’t get as much candy as I did this year! 

  Me: Well, as they say, you shouldn’t keep all your eggs in one basket. 

  Greg: I haven’t looked outside yet. 

  Me: Don’t bother, I leave no stone unturned. 

  Greg: Urgh… Well, I got more marshmallow chicks than you. Wait, you couldn’t have eaten more than one already, right? 

  Me: I try to kill two birds with one stone whenever I can. 

  Greg: Wait, what stone? 

  Me: If you don’t like the water, um, stay away from Seattle? 

  See, I did reasonably well. My point is that I don’t like to eat too much chocolate. It’s bad for my complexion. 

  Sector 3- My Crazy Friends 

  Here’s the part of the Newsletter that you get to help with. In each issue, I’ll give you some articles that my friends help me write. That’s not the part. Also in each issue I’ll provide a topic for you to write about and the funniest submissions will get published here. That’s the part. 

  Anyway, here are the articles that my friends write for each issue: 

  Ouibot’s Advice Column 

By Alex Clyatt 

  Dear Ouibot, 

  I have a problem. You see, I own a very large cornfield. I am a corn farmer, and being corny is how I make my living [snort chuckle snort snicker]. But, to business. Recently, there have been several UFOs landing in my crops. This is not the problem. I am perfectly willing to share my crops with otherworldly beings. I am a generous person. But they have started going overboard. First, several small UFOs came and hovered over my crops. There were several alien youth inside of the vehicles, wearing baggy space suits and with spiked antennae. They proceeded to write things in my crops the same way that crop circles are done, but the problem is they weren’t making circles. They were spelling out some very obscene and explicit words and phrases! I was very miffed, but decided to do nothing. 

  Then, later, some other aliens were not even happy with being able to use my crops for landing spaces. Several UFOs landed in my backyard! This would not bother me, except for one problem: Their UFOs have a certain radiation that comes from the bottom of them, and it entirely killed my grass! My wife was very upset with this, and I cannot blame her. 

  So, what should I do? 

  ~Getting Discouraged With Aliens In Upper New York 

  Dear Discouraged, 

  I know how you feel. Actually, I don’t. I’m just a French Accented Robot. I don’t have feelings. But I know what you mean, if that helps at all. 

  You see, a few years ago, I made friends with several Sasquatch, or Big Foots (or is that Big Feet? Beats me…). We became rather good friends and they slept in my backyard rather often. This was all fine until they decided that they couldn’t wait until they got back into their mountains to go to the bathroom. Then, just about the same thing that happened with you happened with me- they killed every last one of my robotic tulips. 

  And then the next day… well, they did something a bit different, and killed my Italian Accented Robot Dog! This was really starting to upset me, so I told the Big Foots/Feet how I felt, and they quickly stopped. 

  However, they started up again a few weeks later. I didn’t feel that my previous method had worked, so I shaved them all bald when they were asleep and coated them with itching powder, which aggravates them greatly. They woke up the next morning, were furious with me, crushed my car to scrap metal, smashed all my windows to bits, and then left. 

  And they never killed my tulips or dog again. 

  ~Ouibot 

  Have a question? Ask Ouibot! He is a wealth of pointless information, and is always guaranteed to have an answer that doesn’t help you at all! But you should write to him anyway! E-mail, of course. Send all questions to: alikzc at gmail dot com. Thank you! Send ‘em on over! 

  Stayin’ Hip with Da Bruce 

By A Manifestation of the Author’s Inner Ghetto 

  The “Inna” Style 

  Yo Hommies! Wussup? Dis is Da bRuCe here to chil yo crib, dawg! Wussup again! I gotta say wussup juss one mo time! WUSSUP!!! Stayin’ coo is a tough biz but if y’all stick wit me you’ll be bigga than the moon on a summa night, iight? K, man. First we gotta talk ‘bout your wicked style called the “inna style”. The “inna style” is wut u all about that not on the “outta style.” It’s wut makes up you. 

  My inna style is offf the heezzy, dawg! To find yo inna style, don’t use an x-ray, man! Juss look inside yo wit yo mind! Is yo inna style all packed away, dude? If it is, you juss gotta let it go! Juss let em all go, dawg!! My inna style is blue sometimes and red some other, but it’s always my inna style no matter what! Rememmer yo inna style and let it out!!! 

  Note: If you know what “Da Bruce” is trying to say please let me know. 

  Southern Girl, by Nikki Long 

  

Part 1   

The bell rings and I’m finally free. It’s off to Taekwon-Do class… Testing next week…Ack! Ack again! It’s the Kronos of Martial Arts, that boy… The evil teenager appropriately named E. V. I. L. (that’s really his name, it’s Evan Vincent Isaac Longbottom). He just won’t leave me alone. If only I could spar him just once… We do our stretching then patterns. I pray that we’ll spar tonight; I can almost feel myself leaping into the air and sinking my foot into Evan’s face.   

I’m not even sure why Evan isn’t still in jail. Didn’t he rob that ice cream stand last week? The police were quoted saying it was a “messy situation” after they found him hiding out in the local gym’s sauna. And wasn’t he the guy who killed that old woman that sits on that bench on main street all day?   

I’m actually glad he killed that woman who sits on that park bench. She had really become an eyesore. She always held a cup that said: “Give a penny so I can feed my seventeen children back in the alley that I live in? I’m mute so that’s why I’m making you read off of this cup. Uh oh, I’m at the end of my cup.”   

Then she puts that cup gently by her feet and holds up another cup that says: “Okay, so wont you please spare a penny? The only thing that my seventeen children get to eat is moldy shoe leather. I’m deaf too, so I can’t hear you if you are talking to me, please, just put a penny in the cup. Uh oh, I’m at the end of this cup too.”   

At that point most people walk away before they have to read another cup of suggestions. One time I tested to see if she was really deaf. I yelled and yelled in her ears one time when she was asleep, but she didn’t wake up.   

She’s really good, I thought. I jumped on her foot to see if she’d yell. Though her mouth opened, she didn’t make any noise.   

What an act! I’d almost give her a penny for her performance, but I’ve seen the alley her kids live in, and it’s a fairly nice alley as far as alleys go. I mean, what are they complaining about? And I’ve seen her kids eat more than just moldy shoe leather. One time they ate several cans of very expensive cat food. I’m not sure how well aluminum is digested, but they seemed to be having a good time with it. Anyway, I have better ways of using my pennies, like putting them into those neat machines that flatten them into cool collectable pieces…   

The ISSUE-LY TOPIC and Other Submission Stuff   

Da da da!   

Okay, this is the area of Sector 3 where I give you a topic to write about. You have to write a funny story that is related to the topic, and is roughly one ½ page or less in length. E-Mail your stories to me at itf_wizard_25 at yahoo dot com. No, ITF doesn’t stand for Idiotic Tree Flusher. And no, WIZARD doesn’t stand for, “Why Is Zachary A Retarded Doughnut?” (It actually means, When is Zachary A Retarded Doughnut.) Or maybe I just like wizards. It’s whatever you want it to mean, really.   

This issue’s topic is: Encounters with the folks who are too dumb to subscribe to this Newsletter. You know who they are. Tell me about an experience you’ve had with them.   

This issue’s challenge: Come up with a general name for those who have yet to see the light of subscribing to this Newsletter. That’s right, you get to come up with a name for the masses! Send me your ideas along with any reasons behind them. We’ll post the best suggestions vote on them in an upcoming issue.   

Your goal until the next newsletter: Tell as many people as you can to send me an E-mail asking to subscribe to this Newsletter. It is your civil duty to save as many people as you can from their ill-fated lives that they will lead if they don’t subscribe.   

Sector 4- Extra Stuff   

I’ll post any extra stuff I have here. Here’s a preview of what’s to come:   

The Original Comic Strip, Ricky & Mia!   

The comic features Ricky, a teenage celebrity actor; his best-friend-next-door neighbor, Mia, who is also a teenage celebrity; Ricky’s dog, who desperately wants to rule the world; and Ricky’s butler who, for some reason, always wants harm to befall the young millionaire. I’m really looking forward to when that strip is done. 

  Does anyone know a good cartoon artist? I’m looking for one to help me get them done. They don’t have to be the best, just creative, readable, and witty. The actual drawings should have similar attributes. 

  Sector 5- Credits 

  Editor——————–Eric Hadley 

People——————-Rick Hadley aaaaaaaaaa…..lmq—Ricky Hadley 

  —My Crazy Friends— 

Alex Clyatt Ricky Hadley 

Nikki Long   

Extra Stuff————–Rick Hadley Future Ruler of the World—Eric Hadley 

(That last one’s just extra)   

Note: Eric, Rick, and Ricky are actually the same people. Gasp!   

Remember: send it to me!   

itf_wizard_25 at yahoo dot com   

p.s. I want everyone to be able to receive this newsletter, so if you know someone that doesn’t have E-mail, ask him or her to write to me at:   

Rick Hadley XXX Grant Rd. 

XXXXXXXXX, NH XXXXX   

I will not actually mail them a printed copy of the newsletter. I’m not that generous. But I will send them a nice mass-produced letter about why they should get E-Mail. It will even begin “Dear Resident” so it will look professional.   

© 2004 Eric Hadley ©2004 Thousand Oak(tm) Studios, and Po-Zor.com

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 1st, 2006 at 9:28 am and is filed under NRC, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.